I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
