M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
