i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
