hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
