well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
