I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
