Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
