does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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