I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
