what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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