She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
