someone threw a dead crab at me
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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