im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
