I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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