Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
