3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
