for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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