I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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