I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
