I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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