Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
