i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
