either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
