he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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