My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
