I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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