omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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