I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
