Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
