Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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