Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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