good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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