Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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