I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
