Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
