I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
