Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
