Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
