So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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