dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
