the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
