god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
