Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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