he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
