I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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