Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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