Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
