If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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