Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
