That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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