She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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